Monday Mindfulness Minute: I made me feel this way

"If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family." - Ram Dass

It's probably a relief to think we are getting a reprieve from working out over the holiday season, especially with the physical gyms usually being closed for Thanksgiving and Christmas. To be so lucky...

As it turns out, sitting around the dinner table with "extended" family can feel like doing high-intensity interval training (HITT) after eating too much stuffing and too many slices of pie. Combine the normal drama and catching up with the recent election results and we have the perfect recipe for what could be an intense psychological workout.

Instead of getting nervous about the upcoming mental fitness test proctored by our family, we can use the holidays as a barometer to see where we still have hangups. This should be an exciting time because we can see if our growth over the past year can stand up in battle.

The test this holiday season, and every day, comes down to whether we can practice radical acceptance where we refuse to allow our mind to convince us we feel a certain way because of what someone else says, does, or implies. This isn't to say that we practice denial this season and stuff all of our feelings down, but we refuse to live as a victim who pins the responsibility for how we feel on others.

Instead of acting like a victim where others are the sole determinant of how we feel, we can practice reframing situations like this:

They said "x" and that made me angry. >>> I am making myself angry over what they said. [we need to literally think this in our head over and over when we feel/see the emotion come up]

They acted that way and now I'm pissed off. >>> I am making myself pissed off because of what they did.

Additional questions we can ask ourselves:

• Why did what they say make me angry/pissed?

• Why am I taking it so seriously and personally?

• They said/did that yesterday and I still feel angry/pissed today. Why could that be?

• What could my reaction to what they said/did teach me about myself?

As we watch more and more, it will become clear that the world is our mirror and that the folks we get upset with for "making us" angry/upset/sad/disappointed are showing us exactly where the anger/upset/sadness/disappointment is still alive in us. Let us be thankful for the family members who push our buttons this holiday season because they are showing us our soft spots that can be transformed by loving awareness.

Listen to what you criticize most severely And you will hear what you most fear you are. -There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

Monday Mindfulness Minute: Respond more than you react

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"Whenever I wish to move Or to speak, First I shall examine my state of mind, And firmly act in a suitable way. Whenever my mind becomes attached Or angry, I shall not react, nor shall I speak; I shall remain mum and unmoved like a tree." -Awakening the Buddha Within p. 180

What does it mean to be responsible? It’s a word that we’re all told about growing up. I most simply define it as holding up our end of the bargain. We’re responsible for doing tasks at work, being good citizens, providing for our family, etc. 

Two words seem to jump out the more I look at responsibility: response and able. What if responsibility comes down to being able to respond appropriately?

Responding is increasingly tough in a world that seems to be moving quicker and quicker where success is defined by filling up our space to the brim with stuff. It's so much easier to automatically react because space isn't available to make a new decision ("We're a torrent of reactions, and reactions to reactions, one piling in upon the other." How can I help p. 67). I've heard this space described as the magic quarter of a second that enables us to refuse to act habitually and instead find a more loving and compassionate response.

So where do we start this week? As always, we start with the small things. We can start with the fact that it's raining and we have to do something outside, with the car that just cut us off in traffic and we're in a hurry, or even with the fact that the internet page is taking an extra half second to load. Just notice it and be ok with it happening. More often than not we'll see that the greatest response is no response.

As Ram Dass once said, "Compassion simply stated is leaving other people alone." As we develop this space of non-reactivity, we see that the person we leave alone first is ourselves. In our current state, we are literally going insane following all of the reactive movements of the mind. By just noticing and not going with the thoughts (reacting) we show compassion towards ourselves and a loving response to others grows from this self-compassion.

Each time we catch ourselves about to react and stop, it is like a curl at the inner gym that will give us more strength to respond to the bigger happenings in life. If we do this enough we will have the space to see that a response is the most loving reaction we can provide ourselves and others.

Monday mindfulness minute: Am I shedding or suffocating?

(Apologies in advance, but this Mindfulness Minute will be longer than a minute.)

This is the second post of this series, and I'm changing it up a bit. I noticed that the first post sounded like I was telling you to do something. That's not the case at all. I want each of these to invite us to ask ourselves a simple question as we embark on a new week. These questions can serve to ground us in a deeper purpose as the waves of life come up throughout the week. I have nothing to give you but questions to ask yourself.

Am I shedding or suffocating?

I often wonder what it feels like for a snake to shed its skin. It has to be uncomfortable, right? Or could it be like taking off a tight pair of shoes that are at least one size too small? I guess they feel both at different times.

I think change is similar for us; scary/uncomfortable/confusing to start but eventually soothing. If only there was a way we could remember, in the process of molting an old way of life, that the scary/uncomfortable/confusing part is necessary and integral.

Without that initial discomfort, why would we ever grow? As it turns out, we can learn this lesson perfectly from lobsters.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/446a6c_5fefac3def924ec7a40974de6dde35f5/240p/mp4/file.mp4

When I notice my shell getting too tight, my initial reaction is to find as many distractions as possible to forgo changing for as long as possible. I think I'd be the lobster that would collect all my past shells and spend my days and energy on the bottom of the ocean lugging them around with me.

We've experienced this tightness and heaviness so often that we know we must eventually decide between shedding or suffocating. The passage below perfectly describes how shedding, losing an old way of life, is not a failure but a natural way of life.

"It's easy to feel disappointed by life; success is never as fulfilling as you think it is going to be. But there is a reason for this. Successfully completing a lesser purpose doesn't feel very good for very long, because it is simply preparation for advancing toward a greater embodiment of your deeper purpose. Each purpose, each mission, is meant to be fully lived to the point where it becomes empty, boring, and useless. Then it should be discared. This is a sign of growth, but you may mistake it for a sign of failure." The Way of the Superior Man p. 40

As we look around this week and see the changing colors of the leaves and how they fall with grace, can we remember the vital lesson that Autumn and all the seasons are trying to teach us; if we can stop resisting change it will become effortless as we embrace whatever shell we find ourselves in next.