Monday Mindfulness Minute: Stop chasing the third thing

For this I bless you most: You give much and know not that you give at all. Verily the kindness that gazes upon itself in a mirror turns to stone, And a good deed that calls itself by tender names becomes the parent to a curse. -The Prophet p. 89

The more I watch, the clearer it is that I rarely give or do anything without expecting something in return.

• I hold the door for someone and I'm slighted if they don't say thank you.

• I text someone because I'm thinking of them and get frustrated or feel insignificant if they don't text back.

• I give someone a birthday gift and am looking for a return gift when my big day rolls around (it's coming up in January hint hint...).

• I share a writing on social media and am looking for how many likes/comments/shares it receives and I am disappointed if there is little reaction.

The thank you in response, the text back we desperately need, the re-paid gift, and the likes on social media are all the "third thing." For some reason, the initial giving isn't enough until we receive something back.

As the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius reflected over 1,800 years ago (I originally learned about this idea from a Daily Stoic Email), "When you've done well and another has benefited by it, why like a fool do you look for a third thing on top -- credit for the good deed or a favor in return?"

To avoid this foolishness that has stuck with us for centuries, we must constantly interrogate our motive: "Was I being authentically giving or was I looking to take something from them?" It's not even a physical something we want in return. The quick hit of energy that accompanies being recognized or told that we doing a good job is the gold we live for.

Once we stop chasing the reactions, we will feel the abundant energy that flows when we give unconditionally. This energy has been there the whole time but we've been wasting it as we search for recognition. Let's continue to work, "To give and to give and to give, and to know that is my riches." (How Can I Help p. 214)

We help others because we can, or because it makes us feel good, not because we're counting on some future payback. There is a word for this: love. -Georgraphy of Bliss p. 143

Monday Mindfulness Minute: I made me feel this way

"If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family." - Ram Dass

It's probably a relief to think we are getting a reprieve from working out over the holiday season, especially with the physical gyms usually being closed for Thanksgiving and Christmas. To be so lucky...

As it turns out, sitting around the dinner table with "extended" family can feel like doing high-intensity interval training (HITT) after eating too much stuffing and too many slices of pie. Combine the normal drama and catching up with the recent election results and we have the perfect recipe for what could be an intense psychological workout.

Instead of getting nervous about the upcoming mental fitness test proctored by our family, we can use the holidays as a barometer to see where we still have hangups. This should be an exciting time because we can see if our growth over the past year can stand up in battle.

The test this holiday season, and every day, comes down to whether we can practice radical acceptance where we refuse to allow our mind to convince us we feel a certain way because of what someone else says, does, or implies. This isn't to say that we practice denial this season and stuff all of our feelings down, but we refuse to live as a victim who pins the responsibility for how we feel on others.

Instead of acting like a victim where others are the sole determinant of how we feel, we can practice reframing situations like this:

They said "x" and that made me angry. >>> I am making myself angry over what they said. [we need to literally think this in our head over and over when we feel/see the emotion come up]

They acted that way and now I'm pissed off. >>> I am making myself pissed off because of what they did.

Additional questions we can ask ourselves:

• Why did what they say make me angry/pissed?

• Why am I taking it so seriously and personally?

• They said/did that yesterday and I still feel angry/pissed today. Why could that be?

• What could my reaction to what they said/did teach me about myself?

As we watch more and more, it will become clear that the world is our mirror and that the folks we get upset with for "making us" angry/upset/sad/disappointed are showing us exactly where the anger/upset/sadness/disappointment is still alive in us. Let us be thankful for the family members who push our buttons this holiday season because they are showing us our soft spots that can be transformed by loving awareness.

Listen to what you criticize most severely And you will hear what you most fear you are. -There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

Monday Mindfulness Minute: Respond more than you react

[B

"Whenever I wish to move Or to speak, First I shall examine my state of mind, And firmly act in a suitable way. Whenever my mind becomes attached Or angry, I shall not react, nor shall I speak; I shall remain mum and unmoved like a tree." -Awakening the Buddha Within p. 180

What does it mean to be responsible? It’s a word that we’re all told about growing up. I most simply define it as holding up our end of the bargain. We’re responsible for doing tasks at work, being good citizens, providing for our family, etc. 

Two words seem to jump out the more I look at responsibility: response and able. What if responsibility comes down to being able to respond appropriately?

Responding is increasingly tough in a world that seems to be moving quicker and quicker where success is defined by filling up our space to the brim with stuff. It's so much easier to automatically react because space isn't available to make a new decision ("We're a torrent of reactions, and reactions to reactions, one piling in upon the other." How can I help p. 67). I've heard this space described as the magic quarter of a second that enables us to refuse to act habitually and instead find a more loving and compassionate response.

So where do we start this week? As always, we start with the small things. We can start with the fact that it's raining and we have to do something outside, with the car that just cut us off in traffic and we're in a hurry, or even with the fact that the internet page is taking an extra half second to load. Just notice it and be ok with it happening. More often than not we'll see that the greatest response is no response.

As Ram Dass once said, "Compassion simply stated is leaving other people alone." As we develop this space of non-reactivity, we see that the person we leave alone first is ourselves. In our current state, we are literally going insane following all of the reactive movements of the mind. By just noticing and not going with the thoughts (reacting) we show compassion towards ourselves and a loving response to others grows from this self-compassion.

Each time we catch ourselves about to react and stop, it is like a curl at the inner gym that will give us more strength to respond to the bigger happenings in life. If we do this enough we will have the space to see that a response is the most loving reaction we can provide ourselves and others.