Monday Mindfulness Minute: Which Wolf Are you Feeding?

“I recall hearing the following conversation after the events of 9/11 in New York City. A grandfather was talking to his grandson, telling him, “I have two wolves barking inside of me. The first wolf is filled with anger, hatred, bitterness, and mostly revenge. The second wolf inside of me is filled with love, kindness, compassion, and mostly forgiveness.” “Which wolf do you think will win?” the young boy inquired. The grandfather responded, “Whichever one I feed.” (Power of Intention p. 137)

Deciding which wolf to feed is analogous to deciding how to look at different situations. We feed the wolves with our attention and energy. Are we going to feed the small perspective that is based on instant judgment, or are we willing to pause and consider other, kinder possibilities?

It turns out that the more we're able to delay our instant judgment and instead consider other "whys" for someone's action, the more considerate of others, and ourselves, we become. Consider the following consider-it scale:

With each “why,” we zoom out just a bit more as kindness and understanding (which ironically turns out to be the undoing of our previous "understanding" - read assumption) are born in that widening of the frame.  

We spend so much time looking for wisdom, yet it might be closer than we think. Just remember, the more whys you ask, the wiser you become.

Feed the considerate wolf this week!

Monday Mindfulness Minute: Watch out for the cancers of the Mind

While the slight gossip, minor pet peeve, or small comparison may seem like benign thoughts with no impact, they metastasize quicker than we realize. Similar to the danger of cancer lurking below the surface, these visceral thoughts are dangerous because they are mostly unseen.

"I can't believe they drive that car. I have a college degree and work hard, and I still can't afford it. Their parents probably pay for it..."

"Robert? Oh yeah, he is completely clueless and has no idea that everybody talks about him behind his back."

"I just don't understand why it always has to rain on the weekends!! There are 5 other days in the week, and it always chooses to rain when we have plans outside."

These are thoughts that can cycle through our minds in a single day/hour/minute. These thoughts of comparison, criticism, and complaining ultimately become seeds that we plant in our psyche. We add water to these seeds when we talk about them with friends, and we add sunlight when we occupy ourselves with these types of thoughts each day. Before we know it, these thoughts grow into weeds that suffocate our perspective, and we start to see life through the lens of comparison, criticism, and complaining.

Instead of seeds or weeds, Jay Shetty (in his book Think Like a Monk) refers to these types of thoughts as the "3 cancers of the mind." So, what's the prognosis for our "disease of the mind"? The outlook is positive! Better yet, we can see positive results without the grueling challenges of having cancer in our physical body.

So what should we do to start weeding out these limiting thoughts? It comes down to three simple steps (which Jay provides in Think Like a Monk).

Spot

Because they are so common to our everyday thought structure, the hardest step is noticing the limiting thoughts when they arise. I recommend writing the 3 cancers of the mind on a few notecards and taping them in places you will see them. This should hopefully raise your awareness to spot the thought when it arises or when you start talking about it.

Stop

Once you see the limiting thought or find yourself in a conversation with a family member or co-worker about it, just stop. Literally. Our attention is like lighter fluid to the flame of these limiting thoughts. If we starve them of our attention, they will eventually subside.

Swap

After you've seen the limiting thought and stopped it, a good next step early in the process is to swap it with a more abundant thought. Replace the thought of comparison with a thought of acceptance, the thought of criticism with a thought of gratitude, and the thought of complaining with a thought of appreciation.

What's so fun about this process is that as we start noticing and swapping out thoughts, our world will actually start to look differently. Remember, "if you want to change your world, change the way you look at it." A kinder, happier, more pleasant world is only a thought away.

Monday Mindfulness Minute: Whose Story Are You Trying to Live?

"Be yourself; everybody else is already taken." -Oscar Wilde

What does it mean to live your own story? How would one achieve that in a world where we crave and depend on belonging to a group for our identity and survival?

When we consider the stories that the history books remember — those of bravery over fear, courage over doubt, and innovation over stagnation — one aspect remains consistent: they lived a life of their own. Sure, they stood on the shoulders of those who came before, and worked together with others, but their greatness was found in their courage to live their unique story.

Martin Luther King Jr. was one of those brave souls whose story continues to echo and percolate long after his final words from the pulpit. In his last sermon before he was assassinated, he taught that we must redefine our definition of greatness and mature beyond the simple definition of greatness as merely acquiring what society deems necessary for happiness. As MLK Jr. said in his speech when talking of Jesus, "He did none of the usual things that the world associates with greatness. He had no credentials but himself."

So what are credentials? They are a system of identification that must be approved by someone else to gain entry or acceptance. The room we spend our days laboring to enter is one where society is the boucer and says we can only enter if we have x, if we do y, or if we hang out with z.

I had these exact credentials at one time in my life and entered "the room" that society is selling us as a panacea for our suffering. Unfortunately, as you likely have discovered, it doesn't contain the happiness and fulfillment that society claims. It's a stale room filled with artificial replicas of life. It's sort of like being crammed in an overcrowded waiting room, picture the DMV, filled with others who are also waiting to start living.

This type of replica and artificial life is exactly what the baker lived in The Alchemist. The baker was someone who loved to travel from an early age and wanted more than anything to see the world. Instead of following his dreams and living his unique path, he prioritized a life of stability, and the daily grind of owning his bakery drowned any opportunity for him to realize his "personal legend." Unfortunately, and as the wise old man in The Alchemist recounted, "In the long run, what people think about shepards and bakers becomes more important for them than their own personal legends."

This exact reason, caring what other people think and trying to get a credential from them so we can start living, is why it feels like a piece of us is always missing. The piece that is missing is us. Our unique, 1 of 8.2 billion life. As Carl Jung said, "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

One way to start living our own story is by adopting the advice that Rick Ruben gives to the musical artists he advises: "the audience comes last." I'm sure we can count the many ways each day we put the audience, society, and what everyone thinks first. Can we remember a time we have put them anywhere but first?

What would our life be if we stopped putting the thoughts of others before our deepest desires and beliefs? It would be our own life. A unique and fantastic life filled with its own set of twists and turns. But it would be completely yours. Once we realize we've had the credentials to enter our own life all along, we can enter our own story, and there we will find adventure, peace, and fulfillment.